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Bedrest Diaries: December 18th

28 weeks, 6 days.
11 weeks and 1 day to go.

 

29 weeks tomorrow! Considering I went into hospital at 26 weeks it feels great that I have gained this extra time, but it’s been extremely challenging dealing with my emotions… Denial of what is happening, regret over what has been, fear over what could be, worrying about the harm of the medicine I am taking, and grieving the pregnancy I dreamed of.

I have imagined this magical human growing in my belly since I was a little girl. I idolized the imagery of my body transforming to grow this baby and the sacred connection I would experience as I became the bridge that opened the portal between the two worlds.

And although I am still holding this space, there is a version of my ultimate vision that I need to learn to let go of. I need to keep reminding myself to surrender into what is as I make way for a new definition of what holding this container entails. And this process is challenging as my emotions float between acceptance and resistance. But I know that resistance equals pain, which simply means I am causing that pain to myself—but I cannot, I should not. And so, I take a deep breath and align with my truth.

Through meditating daily I visit my baby and hold him tightly. Each day he is learning to love his space of transitioning and in-between and I feel confident that he understands that this is the safest space for him right now. When I see him in the spirit world he proudly shows me the miracles awaiting him and the discoveries he has made in this space of infinite possibilities. He is refining his soul contract, exploring all the wondrous opportunities that await him.

And in this soul contract, our connection has already begun for this too is a part of my journey. This moment of change, transformation and acceptance. I am learning to trust and believe in the unknown all over again. I am learning to release and surrender into what is and be at peace with the now. I am taking each day as it comes and look forward to the victory of holding him safely in my womb, each day, one by one.

Love Phoebe xo

 

As always thank you for your support in allowing me to express this to you. It heals me. Telling my story, and navigating these emotions.

This photo was taken in our baby moon in Portugal last month, how grateful I am that we went! Another reminder to take that trip and book that holiday! You never know what is around the corner…

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