I wake up feeling calm. There is a moment of sadness within me as my eyes focus and recognize the weight of the reality I am facing but I don’t dwell on it for too long, I can’t, I need to stay positive. I place my hands on my belly and say good morning to my baby boy, asking for movement to let me know he is okay. He responds immediately, with a small kick or roll, and I sigh with relief. This connection we have mastered since facing our first challenge together truly has made our bond incredibly strong. I call him by his name and send him loving, nurturing energy. He responds with gratitude and immense safety, swimming with glee inside my womb. I am creating a beautiful home for him in my body, worshipping my temple with nutritious thoughts and food, and I feel mentally stronger knowing this truth.
The most difficult part of this bedrest experience is the fact that I feel fine. I feel normal. Baby is kicking, there is no pain in my body, in my belly. It is the doctor telling me on their measuring devices that my body is not behaving normally for how many weeks pregnant I am. It is the doctors telling me that my uterus is contracting and signaling that it is ready to give birth. But it’s too soon. The contractions are affecting my cervix, and it is slowly thinning.
The entry pathway between the two worlds of unconsciousness and life is slithering right before our eyes. Yet, there is nothing to be done but watch and wait. Either my body will behave naturally and normally like I tell it to in my meditations, or it will have its own agenda, one that is preconceived with my baby, who wants to come to earth early, before he is of the right age.
When I connect with him in the spirit world, I feel his eagerness to step into this role vibrating boldly. He is so excited to be a part of this world, but he must be patient, and he is learning his first lesson of life in my womb. I talk to him while holding him. I showed him my body and belly and explained how it must keep growing for him to be strong and if he came too soon he would be in the hospital until it was the right time for him to enter this world. At first, he doesn’t listen. Turning away like a stubborn toddler, he looks into the distance. I know he can hear me, so I take his hand and we face the sunset together.
We are sitting on top of a giant hill, a sand-dune-like mountain, overlooking the incredible mountainous world that lies before us. I tell him that this is life when the time is right and that it’s not going anywhere. He stares in awe. We both do. I am reminded of the beauty before me. I feel his energy calm as he connects with me. I can feel he just wants to be a part of life already, so I tell him that I will visit him and talk to him every day, letting him know that he is already a part of our lives. I can sense this comforts him greatly. A version of us stays in this space, looking out into the distance and talking about our future together. I imagine his father sitting next to us. The three of us, together, sharing this mountainous love and happiness in abundance. We are at complete peace.
My next vision takes me to a witches’ circle. It is a platform on the edge of a mountain and I am lying on my side right in the middle, with my belly growing bigger. I take my son’s hand, bring him closer to this version of me, and tell him that I am being blessed, nurtured with love, and cared for in this space to help him grow.
We sit by my pregnant belly and watch the witches do their magic. Colors of green echo through the space and wash over us. We are immersed with harmonic vibrations of soft gentle healing light energy. I feel my body vibrate with love. There is a circle of angelic energy all around us. With elements of universal movements proudly marking their corner to ignite their power with strength and resilience. I feel the constant movement of energy around me, yet I am still, opening my heart to receive. I am learning the gift to receive. Perhaps this is the lesson I am to endure.
I don’t look for the reasons why this happened, nor feel angry it is this way. That was before. The last 10 days of learning about this, wondering why, what I could’ve done differently, and of course, denial. But despite these thoughts of confusion and stress, I felt deep peace within. There were moments of deep sadness, and fear of the unknown. But I need to focus on what I can control, and I promise to create a safe environment, a healthy mindframe to welcome this beautiful baby into my life. I am staying strong. I am creating small achievable goals every day. I’m meditating and journaling and connecting with my beautiful baby in the spirit world, telling him everything is okay.
I am giving myself space to grieve the pregnancy I wished to have. One of bouncing energy, walking, yoga, healthy eating and a strong body. I can still do these things, they are just going to be a little different from how I once imagined them.
I am staying strong, I am aligning with faith. Only 12 weeks and 2 more days to go.
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